Patented Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion
Many marriages end in divorce. For those of you struggling with whether to stay together, this patented seat cushion just might be the solution to your wife’s flatulence problem. U.S. Patent No. 7,073,223 describes a “Flatulence filter seat cushion for absorbing odor and providing sound attenuation from an anal discharge of a seated individual.” While you are buying one for your wife, you may as well buy an extra one for her mom.
This patented invention might also be useful around the office. The patent states, ”on average, a flatus outburst for a normal person ranges from 10 to 20 occurrences per day.” (That last sentence sounds better with a British accent.) So your friend that tells you “I never fart,” is lying. This means if you work in an open office environment with 30 people, on average there are between 300 and 600 flatus outbursts per day. Remember when you went to the printer today and it smelled funny? Yea, that’s why.
(If you are not finding this patent amusing, it’s because you need one of these. And so does your little sister.)
Behold, the “flatus outburst obliterator”:
Shown in this figure from the patent are the “seat cushion 101,” the “top cotton fabric material 102,” a “zipper fastener 104,” a “hook and loop self-adhesive fastener 105,” and last, but not least, the “polyurethane foam sound dampening filter 106 odor absorbing fabric.” Element 106 appears to be where all the magic happens, or where all the magic is destroyed depending on how you look at it.
The patent states that this seat cushion has a “polyurethane foam that meets California TB 117 flammability requirements.” Let me just interject that if you have any flames erupt with an “anal discharge,” you have bigger problems than needing this fart pillow. Please see a doctor immediately.
Who Sells the Flatulence Filters?
If you want to purchase one of these, or 10, you are in luck. The company “GasBGon” sells these fart destroyers. The following is a link to their web site:
Some of their product names from their Black Cushion Signature Series are as follows: the “Black Badger,” the “Silent But Deadly,” the “Winners Circle,” and the “Trump-It.” (I’m not sure if there is any relationship between Donald Trump and the “Trump-It.”)
Family Relationships and Flatulence Filters
A cushion like this would have destroyed my childhood. I have fond memories of my older brother Mark being able to shake the rafters with a thunderous fart. The sound attenuation of this device would have put a damper on the thunder. He was also cunning when laying a trap using an SBD (silent but deadly) attack. The patented odor absorption would have taken the deadly out of the silence, leaving only sadness. If this invention had existed when I was growing up, all that fun would have been gone. (Although, this invention would not have stopped Mark’s special “hand grenade” attack, or his “what’s in this empty jar” trick.) I’m just saying, before you eradicate the flatus events from your life, make sure you can fill the resulting emptiness with something else.
Returning back to the original context of a marriage, I must warn you not to enumerate the benefits of this pillow when giving it to a significant other. Saying to your partner “honey, I bought you a pillow that will help you with your farting problem” tends to cause other problems. If you plan on giving this pillow to a loved one, just give them the pillow and tell them it’s a sitting pillow from France.
For Patent Attorneys Only
For any patent nerds who are curious to know what the patent’s independent claim looks like, here it is:
1.A flatulence filter seat cushion for absorbing odor and providing sound attenuation from an anal discharge of a seated individual, comprising:
a) a first layer of permeable material of a predetermined size;
b) a layer of polyurethane foam having a predetermined cross-sectional shape;
c) a layer of odor absorbing fabric having a predetermined cross-sectional shape;
d) a second layer of permeable material of a predetermined size; and
e) a zipper having an opening,
wherein said first layer of permeable material and said second layer of permeable material are stitched about a periphery of said first layer and said second layer, said zipper is centrally located on said second layer forming said opening, and said polyurethane foam and said layer of odor absorbing fabric are located inside said opening.